Two party heads equals one policy in the new Canadian politics.

OTTAWA • Canadians can be forgiven for being dayzed and chretfused about the current federal election. Just when they were getting used to the media portrayal of a nasty head-to-head battle between the Gliberals and Canadian Alliance, they've had the political rug pulled out from under them again.

In an unprecedented development today, the two leading federal parties announced that they are joining forces under the banner Gliberal Alliance Group (GAG). Canadian Alliance CEO Peter Whyte called the plan "a courageous act of political convergence that puts Canada first."

Gliberal president Rich Jurk told the hushed assembly of stunned pundits that the overwhelmingly positive synergies between the two organizations made the deal a no-brainer. "Our product dominates the political market in Eastern and Central Canada, while they have become a strong niche player in the Western market. But together, as an East-West tag-team, we'll be unstoppable in Canada and the world," crowed Mr. Jurk.

Mr. Whyte revealed that the blockbuster deal was born when he and Mr. Jurk were chatting about recent Canadian media mega-mergers at the Mulroney wedding. "We both suddenly realized that political parties are no different from large corporations - the same business logic of "bigger is better" applies to our organizations," said Mr. Whyte.

One journalist managed to lift his jaw from the floor and ask how the two parties could become "one big happy family" when their leaders were so recently at each others' throats in a bitter war of words over values.

Mr. Jurk acknowledged that the values of the two parties are very different, "but," he explained, "during the exploratory merger discussions, we discovered that our actual policies are remarkably similar."

"In fact, our platforms agree almost completely on the important economic issues of the day, such as: huge tax cuts for the wealthy and large corporations, rigid caps on future spending, and massive debt repayments to ensure that very little of the surplus is wasted on social programs - which only benefit financial and social underperformers anyway," sneered Mr. Jurk.

Mr. Jurk added that a joint convergence committee had been struck to oversee the more thorny problem of harmonizing the social policies of the two parties. He claimed there was already broad consensus in key areas, such as: improving the gap between rich and poor so it is as wide as in the U.S.; demonizing and scapegoating youth criminals for society's failings; and royally screwing Atlantic Canadians while claiming it is for their own good.

Mr. Whyte admitted that there are still a lot of challenges ahead in integrating the political/corporate cultures of the two organizations. He claimed, however, that their combined vision and effort would result in truly world class tax cuts that will benefit ALL Canadians with an income over $100,000.

Once the formality of an election is over, the tentative deal - which isn't subject to regulatory approval - would see current Gliberal leader Mr. Chretien installed as Prime Minister of his third straight majority government. After three years he would step down and his designated Deputy, Mr. Day, would become Prime Minister for the balance of the GAG mandate.