OTTAWA • While the country is still reeling from the tainted water scandal in Walkerton, the federal government has warned of another potentially dangerous infection. Health Canada issued an emergency bulletin stating that newspapers containing contaminated Black Ink. may be hazardous to public health. An analysis by the Health Protection Branch indicates that 58% of Canada's daily newspapers are awash in Black Newspaper Ink. which contains dangerous concentrations of the e-conrad blackterium.

Experts say that the e-conrad blackterium is an especially virulent form of the medius concentratioccocus pathogen which has existed at dangerous levels in the Canadian body politic for decades. They have been urging the federal government for years to take action and prevent such an outbreak.

Health Canada acknowledges that the parasite has been linked to Transnationalcorpulent Selfagrandial Execugreedeopathy (TSE), the deadly brain softening disorder commonly known as Mad CEO Disease. Symptoms include: loss of balance, bloody staff eliminations, insatiable hunger for power, ego-bloating and sudden ethical impairment. Individuals who have been in contact with tainted Black Ink are urged to seek alternative media therapy as soon as possible.

Extreme caution should be exercised in the handling of e-conrad blackterium and the spread of this noxious agent should be contained immediately. The Canadian Centre for Disease Control reports that the blackterium has already developed resistance to treatment with most democratic remedies. The pathogen is often accompanied by opportunistic infections such as Billionairus Influenza. Governments who have compromised their social program system are particularly at risk.

Long-term exposure of the body politic to Black Contaminated Ink. may lead to a number of complications such as: cancerous growth of corporate control, severe democratic dysfunction and, in advanced cases, necrotizing fascism (commonly known as social fabric eating disease).