Prophetic vision of Tom Long at Tim Hortons in Markham.

SARNIA • It's no secret that Canada's far-right has been looking high and low for a saviour after years lost in the wilderness of opposition. Ever since the Liberals sowed the seeds of discord by sinfully stealing their platform of slashing social programs and cutting taxes for the rich, the right hasn't had an electoral leg to stand on, or a policy pot to piss in.

But across the land, political soothsayers are proclaiming the ascension of a new leader who can bring the right to promised land of government. A National Pulpit Prophecy Poll of leading expert electoral psychics has gathered irrefutable proof that Tom Long, aka St. Tomas of Sarnia, will soon be installed in the heavenly seat of 24 Sussex.

According to Golum Gibson, a Grand Vizier at BC's Phaser Institute, the first sign was the firestorm of coverage St. Tomas received in the normally tory-centric news media of Toronto. "He had more sightings in the Bay Street broadsheets than Elvis, which is the journalistic equivalent of an earthquake," said Gibson.

The second portent of St. Tomas' divine righteousness was the appearance of his likeness on a Tim Horton's donut in Markham Ontario. Devil Frum, Farternal Breaker of Winds of Change, predicts that this sign is of ultimate significance. "His apparition in such a working man's establishment proves that the average Ontario voter will eat-up St. Tomas's extreme right-wing views, as long as he obscures them with enough powdered sugar," he explained.

St. Tom materializes on Bay Street $1000 bills.

But before the assembled pundits could finish reading the steaming entrails of St. Tomas' second coming in Markham, his likeness made another ghostly manifestation. Some miles away in a gold plated board room on Bay Street, St. Tomas' boyish visage dramatically appeared on a thousand dollar bill. In fact, according to paranormal expert Babs the Vampire Breeder, he materialized on many suitcases full of $1000 bills emanating from Toronto's banking towers.

St. Tomas himself was on the campaign trail pressing the flesh and flagellating the poor. He was preoccupied performing miracles such as turning a toxic waste drum full of corporate agenda sludge into an innocuous looking glass of common sense wine. In another miracle witnessed by many, he made the lame to walk-- or at least forced them to drag their own useless legs-- by taking away their transit subsidies and slashing their disability pensions.

George Judas, nasty neo-con prophet of profit and ex-svengali of Babs, has fervently fallen on his knees before the former Patronage Saint of Mulroneyland and conferred many divine titles on St. Tomas including: High Priest of Privatization, Rightful Leader of the Lost Tribes of Greed, Prince of Polarization, Slayer of Safety-nets, Archangel of Aggravated Ambition, Lord of the Lucre.

And the miracles continue, every time St. Tomas arrives at a media opportunity a large crowd gathers behind him, as if by magic. "No one can doubt Tomas any longer," said economic necrophiliac Andrew Coven, "he is the one."